Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
