I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
