Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize