somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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