We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
