Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
