I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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