This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
