The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
