the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
