youre lurking in front of me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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