My friends, they love my intelligence
what day is it and did you see me today?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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