Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
