I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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