You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
