And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
