He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
