jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize