***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
