My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
