Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
