I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
