you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
