i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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