Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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