anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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