i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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