Jerry, you need to find god
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
