So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
