I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
