He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
