alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I could make wine with my vomit
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
