ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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