i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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