can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
