K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize