what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
