All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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