At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
