My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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