We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Is it because I queefed?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
