I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
