insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
