clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
