Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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