You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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