I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
