Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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