I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
