i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
