i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize