This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
