Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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