i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
