You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize