captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
