I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
