so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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