Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She bit a glass in half.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
