My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
