Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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