I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
