so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
