From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
