help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize