No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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