I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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